By Father Rich Tomkosky
Christ’s vision of marriage is radical. It only makes sense in light of what he tells us our mission in life is to be: to be holy as our Heavenly Father is holy.
Since most of the human race is called to the vocation of marriage, it is important to reflect on what Jesus calls the married life to be in terms of holiness. Subjectively each marriage is unique based on the unique man and woman in it, but objectively there is a divine blueprint of holiness for marriage shining for all through the Scriptures and the Catholic faith.
The Sacrament of Marriage: What is the key difference between getting married before God’s holy altar in the Catholic Church vs. getting married at the JP, or just living together? (A pastoral note: the latter two options are both objectively mortal sins, so one needs to refrain from receiving Holy Communion until that union is blessed in the Catholic Church). The difference is God is being asked at the holy Altar to be the third party in the unique relationship.
Catholic marriage is an irrevocable covenant between the man, the woman, and the Blessed Trinity. After all, as Saint Paul so beautifully points out in his letter to the Ephesians, Christian marriage is to be a reflection of the inner life and love of the Blessed Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church.
The social statistics bear this out. Catholics who get married outside the Church basically have a 50% divorce rate, with a few variables, like the rest of U.S. society, and it is even higher if you live together before marriage. However, if people marry within the Catholic Church, the divorce rate drops to 33%. A 17% drop is significant.
It is truly a covenant of three parties. God’s way is the better way, as will be shown in some other statistics as we move through this column.
Social statistics are a good measuring tool into what is going on in society because it’s not based on opinion but upon observable facts. Another positive stat is in general the divorce rate has fallen in the United States by 18% in the last 15 years for people under 40. That is the good fruit of younger people being more careful in whom they marry, often because they have seen the sad effects of so many divorces among their elders as they grew up. Becoming wise, rather than bitter, through hard life experience is always good.
Jesus tells us that, “From the beginning of creation God made us male and female. And for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
A Catholic marriage is to be a covenant of love and life. There are two inseparable dimensions to that covenant. The unitive dimension is that the two become one flesh in marriage, both in conjugal union and in all aspects of life together. To do this well both partners need to pray for the gift of kindness, patience and charity.
Focus on complementing each other instead of criticizing and nagging, which causes the heart of the other to grow cold over time. Focus on the good instead of the negative. The other dimension of the two becoming one flesh is the procreative dimension (also why “gay marriage” can’t be a Sacramental reality). Be generous with God and accept all the children with whom He wants to bless the married couple.
If Catholics do their best to follow the radical yet liberating teachings of the Catholic Church in regard to marriage and sexuality, it also makes a huge difference in the divorce rate. Couples who contracept or are sterilized have a 55% divorce rate which drops to an amazing 3.5% if they instead use natural family planning, which is permitted by the Church, if a couple needs to space out their children for serious economic, physical, emotional, or spiritual reasons.
God’s way is obviously the better way, and secular social scientists are showing us this through their statistical analysis of contemporary marital life – e.g., see the University of Rutgers ongoing study of marriage. A married couple is called to share in Christ’s self-gift to die to self for the good of the marital union and the family, as priests are to help save souls.
Finally, the sacrament of marriage is to be the path to Heaven for the married couple. If you are married, the question must be asked: what am I doing right now to help my spouse and children get to Heaven?
If a married couple also goes to Mass together as a couple on a weekly basis in addition to practicing NFP, it drops to 2%, and then in addition to those things if they pray together daily as a couple it drops to .9%!
Yes, God’s way is truly the better way. God bless you.
Father Rich Tomkosky is the Pastor of Saint Thomas the Apostle Parish in Bedford and the Pastor of Seven Dolors of the Blessed Virgin Mary Parish in Beans Cove.
